the ides and after
the past two months have been - quite full, to say the least. traveling, weddings, auditions, surprise announcements (some might add)…on top of the growing-ever-more-difficult situation in which i live; "in tumult", i believe, accurately describes both my pysche and my circumstances.
to elucidate a bit. i was traveling for almost the entire month of February, first to Cincinnati for a wedding, then to Cinci, Greensboro, NC and Austin, TX for auditions. needless to say, i was greatly relieved when it was over. for the most part, i thought all the auditions went well, although my efforts were obviously best received in Greensboro. for that reason primarily, i felt fairly confident that i would be accepted, offered an assistantship, and would be very highly likely to enroll, whether or not i was accepted elsewhere. as it turns out, i won’t need to deliberate about that.
i received a letter from CCM (Cincinnati) only ten days after my audition. since it was my third attempt - which ironically is supposed to be "the charm" - i was not surprised when it wasn’t exactly good news. conversely, i wasn’t surprised when i received my acceptance letter from UNCG (Greensboro). (sidenote: that was the first actual letter of acceptance that i’ve ever gotten.) UT (Texas) was a toss up, though - i had no idea how it would turn out, and spent many weeks expecting the worst and secretly hoping for the opportunity to suffer through the agonies of having to make a "big decision". no such luck. i got my note o’rejection this afternoon - finally. i’m always surprised at how long it takes some schools to "break the news".
this little love-letter came at a particularly bad time. while in Miamisburg in February, i "broke the news" to my parents about the longevity of a situation that they had made it clear they did not endorse. in itself an extremely difficult afternoon, but after which they in a sense got over it - pretty quickly, i might add - and decided to start planning an event (to take place in July) for which there has at yet been no formal announcement made. hence my irritating beat-around-the-bush language. all that to say that while traveling and auditioning, i’ve also been attempting to make big plans long-distance, which to date hasn’t worked out so well. it’s been extremely frustrating, compounded by the fact that Mom has been particularly busy and hasn’t always been the most forthright with information - which she hasn’t had, because she’s been too busy to get it, but without which it is impossible for me to plan/organize. and being long-distance, i get worked up over things because there’s nothing i can actually do about them, so it’s been a real pain. and still not getting done - at this point due to contacts who seem to think they have until doomsday to return my phone calls.
as if that weren’t enough, my living arrangement in Tell City has rapidly become somewhat of an emotional disaster for me, having partly to do with the afore-mentioned pressures but more directly a result of the complexity of the situation compounded by Grandma’s increasing inability to make reasonable judgements and stubbornly irrational fight for independence. of course it is difficult - and sometimes impossible - to deal with the slipping away of one’s faculties, both mental and physical, not to mention the fact that it may not be a circumstance of which we are aware; however, it is tragically problematic to have to deal with and look out for a person who refuses to accept the reality of that circumstance. how do you convince a person that they need your help when they don’t recognize their own limitations? how do you handle someone who is apparently convinced that your goal is to limit the freedom and capacity that you’re trying so hard to preserve? as a frivolous but apt example, which is better: to indulge your taste for high-fat foods because "life’s too short" and "a little won’t hurt" (even though a "little" on a regular basis isn’t little); or to watch your fat intake by trying to explore and enjoy alternatives - although not what you’re used to - and avoid yet another medication that has very harsh, freedom-imparing side effects and improve your quality of life to boot? (guess which option i prefer.) reality dictates that the choices Grandma is making now by willfully (though perhaps not lucidly) behaving as if she can go on forever without making lifestyle changes will very quickly, and very abruptly, bring her to the end of her "grace period", when she’ll have no choice but to face the facts of the irrevokability of what she has allowed herself to become. and it is ridiculously frustrating to watch that happen.
sometimes the rejoinder of "it’ll all be over soon" - a particular favorite of mine - has the opposite of its intended effect. instead of comforting with the promise of better times, it serves simply as a reminder of the failure of the present hour. there are no "do-overs" that allow us to re-write our struggles into victories; no second chances that can regain the time we’ve lost. there is only the possibility that if we keep trying, without giving up - without letting go of the moments we think are lost - that we might make up the distance, and overcome in the end.
