the ides and after
the past two months have been - quite full, to say the least. traveling, weddings, auditions, surprise announcements (some might add)…on top of the growing-ever-more-difficult situation in which i live; "in tumult", i believe, accurately describes both my pysche and my circumstances.
to elucidate a bit. i was traveling for almost the entire month of February, first to Cincinnati for a wedding, then to Cinci, Greensboro, NC and Austin, TX for auditions. needless to say, i was greatly relieved when it was over. for the most part, i thought all the auditions went well, although my efforts were obviously best received in Greensboro. for that reason primarily, i felt fairly confident that i would be accepted, offered an assistantship, and would be very highly likely to enroll, whether or not i was accepted elsewhere. as it turns out, i won’t need to deliberate about that.
i received a letter from CCM (Cincinnati) only ten days after my audition. since it was my third attempt - which ironically is supposed to be "the charm" - i was not surprised when it wasn’t exactly good news. conversely, i wasn’t surprised when i received my acceptance letter from UNCG (Greensboro). (sidenote: that was the first actual letter of acceptance that i’ve ever gotten.) UT (Texas) was a toss up, though - i had no idea how it would turn out, and spent many weeks expecting the worst and secretly hoping for the opportunity to suffer through the agonies of having to make a "big decision". no such luck. i got my note o’rejection this afternoon - finally. i’m always surprised at how long it takes some schools to "break the news".
this little love-letter came at a particularly bad time. while in Miamisburg in February, i "broke the news" to my parents about the longevity of a situation that they had made it clear they did not endorse. in itself an extremely difficult afternoon, but after which they in a sense got over it - pretty quickly, i might add - and decided to start planning an event (to take place in July) for which there has at yet been no formal announcement made. hence my irritating beat-around-the-bush language. all that to say that while traveling and auditioning, i’ve also been attempting to make big plans long-distance, which to date hasn’t worked out so well. it’s been extremely frustrating, compounded by the fact that Mom has been particularly busy and hasn’t always been the most forthright with information - which she hasn’t had, because she’s been too busy to get it, but without which it is impossible for me to plan/organize. and being long-distance, i get worked up over things because there’s nothing i can actually do about them, so it’s been a real pain. and still not getting done - at this point due to contacts who seem to think they have until doomsday to return my phone calls.
as if that weren’t enough, my living arrangement in Tell City has rapidly become somewhat of an emotional disaster for me, having partly to do with the afore-mentioned pressures but more directly a result of the complexity of the situation compounded by Grandma’s increasing inability to make reasonable judgements and stubbornly irrational fight for independence. of course it is difficult - and sometimes impossible - to deal with the slipping away of one’s faculties, both mental and physical, not to mention the fact that it may not be a circumstance of which we are aware; however, it is tragically problematic to have to deal with and look out for a person who refuses to accept the reality of that circumstance. how do you convince a person that they need your help when they don’t recognize their own limitations? how do you handle someone who is apparently convinced that your goal is to limit the freedom and capacity that you’re trying so hard to preserve? as a frivolous but apt example, which is better: to indulge your taste for high-fat foods because "life’s too short" and "a little won’t hurt" (even though a "little" on a regular basis isn’t little); or to watch your fat intake by trying to explore and enjoy alternatives - although not what you’re used to - and avoid yet another medication that has very harsh, freedom-imparing side effects and improve your quality of life to boot? (guess which option i prefer.) reality dictates that the choices Grandma is making now by willfully (though perhaps not lucidly) behaving as if she can go on forever without making lifestyle changes will very quickly, and very abruptly, bring her to the end of her "grace period", when she’ll have no choice but to face the facts of the irrevokability of what she has allowed herself to become. and it is ridiculously frustrating to watch that happen.
sometimes the rejoinder of "it’ll all be over soon" - a particular favorite of mine - has the opposite of its intended effect. instead of comforting with the promise of better times, it serves simply as a reminder of the failure of the present hour. there are no "do-overs" that allow us to re-write our struggles into victories; no second chances that can regain the time we’ve lost. there is only the possibility that if we keep trying, without giving up - without letting go of the moments we think are lost - that we might make up the distance, and overcome in the end.
Sounds like you need a break and some support, darlin’. I wish I was closer to home so I could give you a call. I hope the next few months sort out the various - tremendous - responsibilities you’ve got going at the moment. A 27 year-old should definitely be able to feel 27 at some point during that year. I have learned to know and love the word ‘delegate’ (wisely).
As for struggling to help, work with, and reason with the patently irrational - my heart is with you, cos. The broad truth is, you can’t. You can win some battles, but the war is gone - it’s the nature of the issue from the very start, and not a question of “giving up” on someone, but seeing things for what they are, and working within that knowledge.
In my thoughts and experience, there are two ways to manage these kinds of situations (but this isn’t expert advice by any means), when managing such a situation is the decision (butit’s not always the right one).
The first is to address the root issue of irrationality itself (in rather concrete, non-academic terms): the lack of standards, points of reference, over-arching goals, principles, etc. Irrationality is a willy-nilly approach to life, and obviously leads to disaster. But, this presupposes someone interested in leading a more directional and rational life, or who is at least temporarily motivated by difficulties in a specific situation. The rational is always the practical.
Because I know first-hand that you can’t force or even cajole a mind into being rational (or, at root, doing anything else that requires choice, which is by nature free), I think the only hope is to present the case (appealingly) for a different *approach* to thinking and acting - sometimes presenting it ad nauseum, in a plethora of concrete examples where it pays off. But I think that’s all you can do - it’s ultimately a private choice by the other person.
[snip] I’ve changed my mind. There’s only the above approach. As I was typing the second, I saw that it was so thoroughly wrong it was bound to fail - even though I used it quite a lot myself dealing with Neal (which ultimately I failed at). It’s a range-of-the-moment play-their-game approach to getting what you want - doing whatever you can to achieve some goal, without paying attention to the means you actually use to get that goal. And by doing so, it’s super easy (if not guaranteed) to pre-emptively delete all access to the goal. That is, employing means without standards (”anything goes” “whatever it takes”) makes the goal impossible to reach, often basically gutting it of its meaning, value, or potency by the time you get to it “somehow.” I did that a lot, and in his rational moments, Neal saw that and stuck it to me; I had deleted my own credibility so that when it really mattered, and when all I had was my word to go on, it was nothing; there was no way I could convince him of anything, no ground to stand on at all. Trying to use irrationality to have or argue for rationality is, I learned, futile from the start. But I understand the motivation.
So, I guess that leaves me with a whole lot of verbiage and not a lot of help, really. I guess it suffices to say I have a better inkling than most of what you must be going through, and I sympathize.
Watching someone’s rationality erode for biological reasons is a terrible thing. It’s this weird confluence of the chosen and the unchosen, and it puts everyone in an awkward, conflicting situation - cognitively, emotionally, sometimes morally, and very often tangibly. I have no advice on this; I really wonder if anyone does. Maybe something will occur to me tonight. It’s a truly tragic thing, that much I know for sure, and living in close proximity to warp-speed tragedy on this front, I can tell you I paid close attention, worked and thought my ass off, failed spectacularly, and learned more than I thought humanly possible. And it changed the way I think about humans’ relation to existence, to each other, and to themselves - all those relations are cognitive relations. I do know, however, that when choice is not involved in a situation, it is a-moral. Of course, identifying that as what’s going on can sometimes be very difficult.
Fundamentally, a mind cannot function without standards; it will self-destruct or self-decay. Somehow, (patho)physiological processes can wash away one’s grasp and ability to adhere to standards, and I don’t think anyone in all of psychology or neuroscience can presently explain, much less reverse, this fact. I expect it to be well over a century before we understand it. Incredibly, some people voluntarily relinquish an allegiance to a standard or all standards, and impose on themselves (knowingly or not) a similarly awful existence. Seeing this, and choosing instead the opposite, was the basic, bone-level realization I made with Neal. And I count it as perhaps the most important thought and choice I’ve ever made.
Don’t forget to think of you, take care of you, and not sacrifice yourself or your values, for that’s no gain for anyone. Remember, the vast majority of us share the same values, and so it makes sense to share the work. Hopefully Brady and your sibs are helping you out, at least emotionally, with all this.
I’m around, even if remotely. Really.
Comment by Katie — May 4, 2007 @ 12:15 pm
Good for you, SLG. God bless you and your tumult.
Comment by old friend — July 10, 2007 @ 8:23 pm
God Bless You, Samee
Comment by old friend — July 10, 2007 @ 8:33 pm